|
[21 Aug 2004|09:00pm] |
i dont remember the last time i went more than 24 hours without being fucked up on something. i mean, i have to get the calendar, look at it really hard, and try to recall the different days.
but it's summer right? so this is all good, right?
yeah.
|
|
|
[05 May 2004|02:18am] |
ok so it's 213 am.
i'm not drunk, persay...nor have i been all night. severely buzzing though.
typing is proving difficult enough.
i feel bad, the guys wont let me pay for alcohol even though i can drink just as much as any of them.
and i think i pissed off joey by not asking for each individual beer of his i drank...even though they weren't all his...well, whatever i guess nothing to be done about it now.
i've been drinking since about 530 an dit's been grand.
i feel bad for amar though cause people are totally using him.
i feel bad enough that i offer to pay and he wont let me...but when people use him like this...i mean, it's the ONE TIME all semester he's asked for money for the alcohol he buys...and people just roll their eyes at him?!
he's only the nicest guy eveer, or one of, and doesn't deserve to be treated like this.
it's just shit, ya know? ...fuck, i feel so bad for the kid. he was so mad he was crying. it was a tough sight to see.
|
|
|
[04 May 2004|07:51pm] |
747pm.... tipsy, not yet drunk. well on my way though. time to head back to amar's room and have another beer. :)
whoop! yep...i said i was done with drinking beer...well, i guess not.
icehouse - 5.5% alcohol by volume... and i drink it like water.
rum & coke later...hopefully.
these kids spent $100 (between 3 people) on alcohol and wont let me pay for anything.
they don't realize that i can handle my own, and drink just as much as them...
i praise being from downstate...
you know how we do...we be gangsta'z fo'sho.
|
|
|
[25 Apr 2004|11:11am] |
so i'm realizing that i can't even put a lot of my stories in here.
because you just wouldn't understand some of the decisions i've made.
but...when i do have fun stories, i'm still gonna use this journal.
so yeah. pointless update? yes. do i care if you don't like it? no.
cause i'm rick james, bitch!
|
|
|
[10 Mar 2004|08:27pm] |
a night of c's:
coffee
chemistry
cigarettes
& maybe cake..
..alina & i are studying at zorba's tonight. 24-hr cheap greek diner, AND show your student id to get 10% off.
|
|
|
[10 Mar 2004|05:27pm] |
playing catchup...pictures from halloween - party on fredonia
( click me, bitches! )
recap of the night: twas a good night. started at beth's, after a few drinks and a b (or two? it's been a while, i forget) we headed to a party on fredonia. or...i think it was fredonia. hung out there for a while, i got to see tyler, which was happiness, b/c i never ever see him anymore! drank there, pounded one down with luke? or jon d? one of them...or both. but when the cops started driving by from every which way, sean, jon d, luke and i headed out.
over to the theater apts for more party. haha, but luke and i kept each other from drinking. cause he had to work in the morning and i had to drive home.
story: luke and i had gone outside to have a cig, and when we were walking back to the stairs to go up to the party, some guy leans out the 3rd floor window and hollers at luke "you just fuck that bitch??" and we both just laughed. drunks...
anywayanyway, fun night.
(hahahahaaa, i should have done this a long time ago so i remembered more of the night)
|
|
|
[05 Mar 2004|03:27am] |
for sometime that's not 330am and the night before a test...
a story of a professor and lsd. too funny.
skirts in class! skirts and flip flops in the rain! too cute!
haha ok i'm not tired but going to bed i have a biology test tomorrow (err...today) at 11am that i've studied my ass off for all week. i'm ready!
|
|
|
[02 Mar 2004|03:40pm] |
just added a shitload of people to this name.
will update fa'realll lataz
haha, SHIT! i *just now* forgot what was funny that i was going to say here.
ughh i dumbbbbb.
cowboy killa's
saltines
dan & chris said hi
outgoing outgoing outgoing
test friday i go insaaaane
motherfucking seeing the ghost friday. and naomi is friends with them. holy hell sweet shit.
i've been listening to bright eyes and elliott smith for two days straight now, and have no intentions of quitting anytime soon.
|
|
|
[28 Feb 2004|01:02pm] |
|
then i looked over, and realized i had just eaten all the saltines.
|
|
|
[12 Feb 2004|07:45am] |
ken = rob groth, the early years of camp. only with lighter hair. seriously guys, i swear.
luke = guy rachel knows (sort of) from depaul? ..not sure here.
days so shitty you dont feel anything at all by the end of them,
nights to forget everything...knowing it will all be back in the morning, but at least for now, it's gone.
what a lovely time mr dan dan the man viger!
|
|
|
[09 Feb 2004|07:44pm] |
damage of the day:
-feel like shit
-call mom, semi-arguement
-failed chem test
-ruined only pantsss i like
-there's only one cig left, i have $1
tonight's plans:
-self hatred followed by a little
-inner yelling at self for mishaps of the day
-and beating myself up about all the little things
-100 crunches, 50 reverse crunches.
this week:
punishment.
|
|
|
[09 Feb 2004|01:31pm] |
chem test in about 1/2 hour. i finally feel a little bit better, a handful of pills later...
so anyway. when i get really stressed out about something, i tend to freak out. and go into this semi-a.d.d. mode and my brain quits making rational though processes. i just jump from one thought to another without connection. also, little noises that are normally "background" noises seem amplified so i focus on them instead of whatever i should be.
right so the point of that was to introduce the following, which i wrote friday in chem lecture, while thoroughly freaking out about said test which is today. b/c well...my professor:
-failed 27 kids last semester
-is on probation w/ uic for failing so many
-told about 20-30 kids after the lecture on friday:
_we (the class) are annoying her with our non-understanding
_the problems in the book are easy enough for 3rd graders to do
_the problems on the test will be very complex
-oh. and she told us in class that she couldnt make a sample exam b/c she'd already made the test.
whatever. anyway, here's what i wrote:
freaking out
& i can't concentrate
no one listening
the shadow of my hand
is a black & white kalidescope
shapes & shades
it all overlaps
classes & family & friends
me-
i don't know how to be 18
i feel so abnormal
so dumb & out of place
100 million miles an hour
no it's not a drag race
just my teacher talking
glass clinking paper rumpling
impending doom
gonna fail all over again
nothing makes sense at all.
|
|
|
[02 Feb 2004|04:46pm] |
|
fuck.
|
|
|
[01 Feb 2004|01:56pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
it's all in your [my] head |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
' shake me baby ' - junior senior |
] |
' pretty people ' - dexter freebish
We are the pretty people
We are the pretty people
I cannot help it that I'm so good looking
I cannot help it that I have the perfect body
Yes, everywhere I go I get all the attention
I get my looks by divine intervention
We are the pretty people
You wanna look like us
We are the pretty people
Give it up, give it up, give it up
We are the pretty people
Best of humankind
We are the pretty people
Flawless by design
I look so good when I'm driving in my car
I'm in the fastlane, and I'm gonna be a star
Green light, green light, please don't turn yellow
Cause if you do you know I'll step down on that pedal
You know I never have to pay for my dinner
Aw yeah, you know I'm always the winner
You want me but you cannot have it
I'll slap your hand if you try to grab it
We are the pretty people
You wanna look like us
We are the pretty people
Give it up, give it up, give it up
We are the pretty people
Best of humankind
We are the pretty people
Flawless by design
Well if you make a pass a little razzmatazz
A wink of the eye as I walk on by
Well if you make a pass
A little pinch on the ass
Yeah, a little razzmatazz but no kiss goodnight
We are the pretty people
You wanna look like us
We are the pretty people
You wanna look like us, yeah
|
|
|
[31 Jan 2004|11:31pm] |
so my plan this past week started out well. and then it kind of fizzled, and ended up just completely out of hand. ..especially last night and today.
but this next week i'm gonna do it. and i'm gonna do it well. because, well...mike is coming up this weekend. or at least...i really really really hope he is.
ok so here's the plan:
sudnay - all liquids
monday - liquids + fruits
tuesday - liquids + veggies
wednesday - *off day* (under 900 cals)
thursday - all liquids
friday - all liquids + fruits
saturday - under 800 cals
ok well, that's the plan, we'll see how well i do this week.
|
|
|
[21 Jan 2004|01:42am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
radiohead (( kid a cd )) |
] |
tonight i gave away my popcorn (i left it as a present on amar's bed) & my bugels (thanks to vivas).
it makes me feel good inside to get rid of some of the food in my room.
though i do feel a tad guilty since my mom bought me the popcorn at garrett's monday
& the bugels were one of my xmas presents from my dad.
: /
hopefully this will help me to quit eating so much.
my lettuce is almost gone.
my special k bars are almost gone (they're too good! i eat them all the time).
my slim fast "snack options" bars are almost gone.
soon the avantis will be gone.
...that leaves carrots, way low cal ranch dressing, orange juice, and 2 healthy choice microwave dinners. crystal light & diet coke/diet cherry coke. tea!! chai and orange spice
things are settling down a bit and hopefully that means i get back on track with eating. and my crunches. and leg lifts. and stairs (as long as the back staircase doesnt smell from people smoking [illegally] in it)...
the final goal is 107
the final dream is 97
...for now i'd settle with under 160. i can't seem to get there.
|
|
|
[17 Jan 2004|10:35am] |
i don't know where i'm going, or what i'm doing.
there is a lot to be done and thought through, only i'm not sure i can do it on my own.
this could make or break me?
//i tend to "overdramatize" things, and then they end up not being nearly as big of a deal and everything works out and just sort of "falls into place". well, that's how it usually goes anyway. but sometimes there are the situations where i calm myself down, think it will work out, not really worry about it, and then am wayy totally freaking out two days before the deadline of whatever situation.
emotions can be whack, yo.
|
|
|
[16 Dec 2003|07:25pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
' holiday inn ' - chingy + ludacris + snoop |
] |
let's see how long i stay sane this break.
-already my mom is restricting my peoria trips.
-plus i owe the city of peoria $75 because i accidentally forgot to turn on my lights. it's not like you can't see with the city lights.
-tonight she was home no more than 5 minutes and had me in tears.
-& yet again (this time indirectly though) accusing me of being anorexic.
..what she doesn't get is that even though it really pisses me off when she says shit like this, really, what happens is that i have even more of a desire to be even thinner. to prove something to her.
oh to be 5'5" and 97 pounds. this is my dream. fucked up perhaps. perhaps not. there is no 'too thin'. i will never be thin enough. i will never be good enough for -him-. i want to feel that i'm good enough for -him-.
i want control. everyone thinks my life is in control, so many people seem to think my life is in order. but i have no control. i'm just good at hiding things.
pills. more and more pills. and cigarettes.
tea. water. & saltines. these things i could live on forever.
|
|
|
[13 Dec 2003|07:28pm] |
it's a sad state of maturity to realize that a kiss doesn't fix all your problems anymore.
i've known this for some time, but it hits me like a slap in the face every day now.
|
|
| on (my) weight: |
[07 Dec 2003|08:36pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 melancholy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
' he ' - jars of clay |
] |
this is what's on my mind right now, and no one's around to talk with, i need to let this out.
i'm overweight, i'm fat. i know this, it is not new, i have always been 'chunky' - ever since i was a little kid.
today i was in the atrium at school with some friends. (we were trying to get food from the src, but they aren't opening until 930 tonight - rrrgg. [that's another whole story]) as we stood there talking, this girl walked by, who had plenty of fat rolls* hanging out between the bottom of her shirt and the waist of her pants. it was pretty gross, and most people were flashing disgsuted looks to each other after she had gone by. the four of u sin the atrium head back to the dorms, krunali and mick went inside and omie and i went outside. when we got back, they said that they had been behind her the entire way, and everyone they passed had disgusted looks on their faces and/or were trying not to laugh.
*note: i am not sayinging that i do not have fat rolls, i'm not saying that there is necessarily always something wrong with fat. but if you had seen this, ..well it was disgusting, in my opinion.
so now i'm paranoid that this is how people see me. that even though i do my best not to let any of my fat stomach hang out of my pants/shirt, that people give me disgusted looks when my clothes fit to tightly and whatnot. now...i wouldn't really say that i'm trying to please people with the way i dress, just more that i dont want them to be disgusted simply because of my clothes.
i look at myself everyday and all i ever see is fat. i stand in front of the mirror and hate myself. i sit at my desk and hate myself. i'm out having a good time with friends, but secretly hate myself.
you see - in america, in most of today's world, it just doesn't cut it to be fat. the media and generalized society say that if you have any curves, if you have any meat on you at all, you cannot be beautiful.
thin is in
increasingly since i've been at college i have become consumed by numbers. i count calories in everything (except this week...with finals...i'm much to stressed out to count calories. although hopefully i keep myself busy enough to not eat). i weigh myself twice a day - first in the morning after going to the bathroom but before eating or drinking anything, and again right before i go to bed.
i get upset every time i eat a somewhat 'normal' meal. i hate myself for every little fluctuation in weight. if i tell myself only 800 cals for a day, and i have 900...i double my crunches, pushups, do a couple extra sets of stairs to make up for it. and i only let myself have 500 cals the next day.
i see food as my enemy. it is my enemy.
i will conquer my enemy. i will be thin, i will be beautiful.
for me.
for the record:
age: 18
height: 5' 4 1/2-3/4"
high weight (hw): ~185
current weight (cw): 175
low weight (lw): 170
short term goal (stg): 155 (dec 30)
mid term goal (mtg): 140 (feb 10)
mid term goal 2 (mtg2): 125 (mar 10)
long term goal (ltg): 110
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
lime_aid's journal